Somehow at the end of every week, the feelings of inadequacy would resurface. I feel exhausted. I have given everything I have to give, yet I don’t feel satisfied with what I've done throughout the week.
I didn't get to know my kids well enough. I didn’t get to start the kids on the starfish craft. We didn’t practice handwriting for the week. I was too serious and not funny enough. I was easily irritable and impatient with the kids. I wish I had done a better job at helping the kids read. I feel like a total failure!
Then again, maybe I didn’t do too bad after all. Majority of these kids has grasped the concept of addition and subtraction. They recognize new words. They know the months of the year. They even know the order of creation off by heart. They have interacted well and shown loving kindness to each other in the classroom.
I think I’m going crazy. I strive to end each week well, but what does it mean to end well? How do i know if i have been successful?
I know i can’t and shouldn’t measure it by looking at the kids’ grades on papers. If that’s the case, then maybe it’s about asking, Did I do my best everyday? Did I depend wholly on God for wisdom and strength? Did I put my kids’ and parents’ needs above mine?
Yes, i did. But, i still don’t quite feel successful? I still feel unsatisfied with myself, knowing i could have done a better job.Then again, we’ll always be able to do a better job than the last since there’s always gonna be room for improvement.
It was only recently, through a group devotion, that I was made to realized that from God's perspective, my success as a teacher is all about my love walk with Him and others. It isn’t about my kids’ academic achievement. Neither is it about how much of my teaching program I have covered. It is however about this:
Did I disciple my kids?
Did I illustrate Christ love to them, and teach them how to be loving?
Did my passion for life shine through, and did I encourage these kids to follow their God-given passions?
Did I set my kids on the paths they should go and instill in them the desire to grow and become more than who they currently are?
Did I model and teach them perseverance, patience, kindness, and self-control?
Was my focus on teaching with intention--not perfectly at every moment, but as a whole, from the first day to the very last--did I keep sight of the ultimate prize, which is eternal?
I’ve realized now how intricate it is for me to judge myself or evaluate myself. So, I’m gonna let God, who is my identity and source, and whose ways are higher than my ways, determine how well I've accomplished His tasks.
In reality, it doesn’t matter what others think. It doesn’t even matter what I think; for only what He thinks matters.